Grief touches every family. And the waves of grief may come in gentleness, and they may come like unexpected tidal waves. In the wake of losing a loved one, especially a parent, we wrestle with layers of emotion—some tender, some tangled. This post offers my personal story of grief, family, and the power of God’s mercy. As you read it, I hope you will be encouraged to lean into prayer, not perfection, and find peace that can only sustain us if it comes from God and His Word.
The Anniversary of His Loss: Grief is Heavy
Dad’s been gone since May 27, 2013. I’m thankful for all the peace He has now and for the many things I’m still learning from him.
Even with over a decade without him here on earth, I woke up feeling the reality of today’s anniversary. His last day was awful. One of the most unique things about that day was seeing him raise his hands toward the heavens with a groaning and an expression on his face that could be described as a longing. I wanted to medicate him through those moments to keep him calm. But I am so thankful I could see in his last hours a longing for our Savior. I trust he was seeing what we couldn’t see, and he was so ready to be received.
The Reality of Loss and the Battle with COPD
He had been on 33 liters of oxygen—maxing out the fancy machine that kept him alive. COPD is NO JOKE. His last hospitalization lasted 40+ days. He couldn’t walk—oh but he wanted to. He was a driven person and his goal every day was to get out of that bed and walk to the bathroom. He would say, “Jennifer, see that bathroom over there? One day I’m going to walk to it!” But he didn’t.
He fought hard to live. And our Jesus fought HARD for him to live a much better forever—on the other side of his pain. Our Savior emptied himself for us (Phil 2:7) and then died in our place.
The Imperfect Life and the Mercy That Met Him
In this photo, he has a cigarette in his hand. He started smoking at 16 and wasn’t able to quit until he was in his 50s. He later chewed tobacco instead and continued until he couldn’t ask for it anymore.
Once while traveling for work, he was hospitalized for COPD in Florida with no family around. My brother sent him a fruit basket and made sure it included his chewing tobacco because Dad NEEDED IT!!!
Regardless of Dad’s imperfect choices (sins against God, his own body, and people), he received mercy. The Lord helped me see mercy more clearly by revealing to me that people go to the hospital and get help whether they hurt themselves, someone hurt them, or an infirmity attached itself to them without their knowledge or permission. The patient arrives at the hospital, and employees have an obligation to help.
Family, Forgiveness, and the Ministry of Presence
Our family suffered because of some of Dad’s choices. But we didn’t leave him to fend for himself in his last and worst days. God provided him with an outstanding doctor who helped him live 10 years longer than he was supposed to. Many of his friends and family checked on him daily and traveled many miles to be with him and comfort him with the ministry of their presence.
I was emotionally and physically exhausted after he passed. The Lord impressed upon me that I could have made a greater impact on all the circumstances surrounding his extended illness and death by being still in the hospital waiting room and praying. I had tried to manage ALL.THE.THINGS for him and our blended family.
Boundaries, Bitterness, and Becoming Whole Through Prayer
Recently the gentle voice of the Lord spoke these words within my spirit: “Boundaries make you a better Christian.” I’m still unpacking that truth, but WOW! I’m so thankful for this LIGHT and TRUTH that I’ve needed for so long. Praying in the waiting room would have been better for Dad and me, and the other people involved in those last days.
If I look back at the hard days with Dad with the perspective of “if he, if they, if I… had done this better, I wouldn’t hurt so bad”—it causes me to remain stuck in an unfixable memory.
But I’m learning to look at it differently. If I see myself WITH GOD who provides everything I need for life and godliness—including overcoming power to love and live mercifully—then nothing that seems “unfixable” will hurt forever.
Receiving Strength from God in the Face of Grief
With God, I will grow, mature, heal, and receive the strength I need. He will help me overcome my unmet expectations to receive something very important to me from an imperfect person instead of my perfect Father, Teacher, Counselor, and Friend. God certainly raises up the body of Christ to meet some of our needs. But when we demand those needs get met the way we expect them to, we will suffer!
So, whether we are addicted to something like a cigarette or to the emotion of bitterness—we have access to overcoming power. Dad received overcoming power for the consequences of cigarette smoking when the Lord received him into heaven. I receive overcoming power from any bitterness around the brokenness of our family as I pursue the mercy of the ONE who died for both of our failings.
Prayer
May the Lord give you more peace in the place of the unmet longings of your heart. May you, like Dad, find yourself reaching toward heaven for the help you need… no matter why you find yourself in that humble position of needing more than what people can do for you. Shalom! 🙏
Overcoming Grief with God’s Mercy
If you’re walking through grief, wrestling with the pain of loss, or trying to find peace in the middle of family struggles, I want to offer you a gentle companion for the journey. My book, Fresh Strength for the Grieving Heart, is filled with Scripture-based encouragement, honest reflections, and prayer prompts to help you meet God in the middle of your mourning. It’s available now on Amazon.